DISCLAIMER: I don't own the rights to Blackadder. Any similarity between the characters in this story and real people is strictly coincidental.
PREQUEL TO 'SENSE AND SEXUALITY (NON-SPRITE VERSION)'
SCENE: Home of the Prince Regent. We see Blackadder sitting in the kitchen. He has a disgusted look on his face. The camera pans over to what it is he sees that disgusts him. There is a new young scullery maid. She is picking her nose. She removes her finger from her nostril. Then she stares at her fingertip and marvels at the booger that sticks to it. Baldrick approaches her with a basket filled with dirty laundry.
BALDRICK: Here you go, Min Min.
MIN MIN: Oh, what? More stuff to wash? Didn't I just finish doing the wash?
BALDRICK: That was yesterday. Here's today's load.
MIN MIN: Look, big brother. (shows him her fingertip with the sticky booger) Can you top this?
BALDRICK: That's a big one, all right. Now come on. You've got work to do.
MIN MIN: Oh, what's that on the floor? (picks up a slice of dirty turnip underneath the table, then pops it into her mouth) Um! Dat's good! (talking with her mouth full)
Blackadder noticed that she had picked up the slice of dirty turnip with her booger-coated finger and had eaten the booger along with the turnip.
BLACKADDER: Excuse me. I'm going to be ill. Very ill. (rushes over to a bucket to throw up)
MIN MIN (to Baldrick): Your master does that a lot, I noticed.
BALDRICK: Strange. He didn't start doing that until after you started working here.
MIN MIN: Baldrick, instead of doing laundry, can I help you prepare the food for tonight's dinner?
BLACKADDER (raising his head from the bucket): NO! ABSOLUTELY NOT! You stay away from the food, you disgusting thing, you!
BALDRICK: Mr. Blackadder! That's no way to talk to my little sister!
BLACKADDER: Baldrick, this can't continue. Your sister is an abomination! I want her out of this kitchen and out of this house!
MIN MIN (about to cry): Mr. Blackadder! Why are you saying such things? What did I do?
BLACKADDER: Are you completely daft, girl?! You have the most filthy, disgusting habits I've ever seen, and considering that I've had to put up with your brother Baldrick all these years, that's saying A LOT! What with the nose-picking and the many other disgusting habits of yours, you literally turn my stomach! Pack your things and get out!
BALDRICK: But, Mr. Blackadder, the Prince Regent said she could stay and work for a while to earn a living since she got fired from her last job as a maid.
BLACKADDER: And why did she get fired from her last job, Baldrick? Or maybe she can just tell us herself. (glares at Min Min) WHY did you get fired, Min Min?
MIN MIN: The family I worked for all got food poisoning and became very ill.
BLACKADDER: No doubt from your disgraceful lack of personal hygiene and disgusting habit of nose-picking. Did the contents of your nostrils end up in the meals you served your former employers?
MIN MIN: I don't know. M-maybe.
BLACKADDER: I can't have you working here. I'm going to explain to the Prince Regent why it's necessary to let you go. He'll agree with me that we can't risk you poisoning our food.
Blackadder goes upstairs. An hour later he returns with two young girls dressed in drab outfits.
BLACKADDER: Baldrick, meet our two new scullery maids. This is -- uh, what are your names again, girls?
FIRST GIRL: SaRa.
SECOND GIRL: Claire.
BLACKADDER: SaRa and Claire, this is Baldrick my dogsbody. You'll be working with him down here.
SaRa and Claire nod hello to Baldrick and he nods back.
BLACKADDER: Baldrick, I don't see your sister around. Did she leave?
BALDRICK: Yes, sir. She packed her few meager belongings and left. She can stay with Mother and Father until she can find other work.
BLACKADDER: Good riddance. How do your parents feel about her disgusting habits?
BALDRICK: Who do you think taught her?
BLACKADDER: Oh, God, it's pathetic. (turns to SaRa and Claire) Now, girls, about your chores -- uh, SaRa, is there any reason why you were staring at my backside just now?
SARA: Oh, no reason, Mr. Blackadder. (glances at Claire)
Blackadder looks at Claire who quickly stifles a smile. SaRa and Claire had been admiring Blackadder's figure from behind and fantasing about shagging him.
BLACKADDER: You girls didn't put a 'kick me' sign on my back, did you?
CLAIRE: Oh, no, Mr. Blackadder. We would never do that.
BLACKADDER: Good. Now, about your chores. You'll be washing the household linens and clothes. You'll also be sweeping and scrubbing the floors, dusting the furniture, polishing the silver, and helping Baldrick wash and dry the pots, pans and dishes. If there's anything else that needs to done around here that I think should be assigned to you, I'll let you know. Oh, one more thing. And this is very important, girls. Oh, how do I put this? Well, I'll just have to be blunt. How do you feel about nose-picking and other such disgusting habits?
SARA: Eeewww!
CLAIRE: Gross! Eeewwww!
SARA: Please don't tell us the Prince Regent wants us to pick his nose for him!
CLAIRE: Aaaggghhh!
BLACKADDER: No, it's nothing like that. I just want to make sure you two girls don't do such things while you're working here. Well, I think you'll work out just fine here. Baldrick, please show them where the brooms and mops are. Girls, get to work.
Blackadder sits at the table to read the newspaper and enjoy a cup of tea. SaRa and Claire look at him.
SARA (whispering): Claire, wouldn't you just love to put a 'shag me' sign on the back of him?
CLAIRE (whispering): Oh, yes! (giggles)
THE END
